Wednesday, June 7

Hipster Haikus by yours truly

Recently I entered a "Hipster Haiku" contest that I saw advertised on Craigslist. Despite my reluctance to write poetry and my scorn for those who do, I figured this was too perfect of a theme for me not to enter. Here are my staggeringly brilliant submissions (with one bonus):

I know of a band
That’s so obscure underground
They haven’t even formed yet.

Nothing turns me on
More than when you say the words:
“Velvet Underground”.

Is there anything
Worse than a dirty hippie?
Family vacation.*

*pronounced “fam-lee”

There is no dancing,
Cheering or smiling allowed.
You are at a show.

[sighing to myself] God, those are good! [repeating to myself as I cry myself to sleep] You are good! You are good! You are good!

Speaking of bad poetry and the desire to cry myself to sleep, last night, while drinking with my curmudgeony friend Neil, I happened upon an open mic poetry reading in the Haight. Have you ever been to an open mic poetry reading? It's great. Particuarly if you like watching people embarass themselves in public, which I do. Because I'm kind of an asshole.

My favorite reader of the night was a fifty year-old guy who read in a tremulous, British accent. He read one poem and then, before continuing any further, informed the audience that the book he was reading from was self-published and available for ten dollars.


Benny said...

Jimby, I hate to admit this, but I was actually asked to leave an open mic at a Barnes and Noble cafe because, even though my head was completely buried in my arms on the table, everyone knew I was shaking so hard because I was laughing.

In Indiana we had these grandmothers who wore grandmother sweaters and wrote about their grandchildren. And we had porky divorcees who wrote about "throbbing torpedoes" (I kid you not!)- which I heard from a toilet stall all the way in the back of the store.

Here- go see for yourself:

By the way, I like your po'mes. They're purdy.

Your favorite snot-nosed reader,


jenneral said...

Ahhh, what a fantastic contest. The first is my favorite. Where can we view the other submissions? :)

Harry the Hire said...

Hey yeH

Poem on! Poem on!

As in, "Game On!"

As Austin Powers (possibly the preface to the entire hipster reportoire) would say, "Yeah baby Yeah!"

I've laughed a lot at other people's
poetic amourosities,
but my laughs are always loudest at
my own preposterousities

There are so few people who write poetry that any poem written (even the "throbbing torpedoes") is better than no poem written.

Of course, poetry that is funny while meaning to be is the best kind of poetry and here's to you, you palidromiomatic person, for giving me a smile today!!!!!!!!!!

James said...

B, eighty-sixed from B and J -- hilarious.

Jenn, go to Hipster Haiku.

Light, knew you'd appreciate that.

Benny said...

It was kind of embarassing, actually. But I couldn't help it. When something's funny, I'm still laughing about it two hours later... :-)

Stripper: our resident Ogden Nash.

Harry the Hire said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
James said...

That's a fine point, Light.

Some things are better left done in private.

Which reminds me of the all-too detailed conversation some of my friends were having last night about their last orgasms and their favorite methods of receiving cunnilingus. T.M.I., kids, T.M.I.

Harry the Hire said...

erm, had tochange two words,


I should qualify what I said before about people people writing poetry, erm, as I did not say the half of it, so, erm, and why not say it in verse?

The world would benefit beyond compare
If people wrote a poem every day:
if they composed a referential prayer,
took time out to reflect about the way
they feel in life - lay their emotions bare:
instead of passing time in quite dismay
I wish more people WROTE poems, like I said,
That doesn't mean I want to hear them READ,

People can do what they want in the privacy of their own homes can't they? Um... and that's fantastic. But when you stand up in public and read a poem, well, it's gloves off isn't it?

Harry the Hire said...

Hey yeH

I did enjoy the Haiku, especially the obscure underground band.

But (re your last comment) can you really ever get too much information about sex from women?

Oooooh noooo!

Even if it were a choice between listening to Byron himself reciting Don Juan (pothsumously of course), or listening to a group of girls talking about men going down on them, well, hell, I know where Byron would want me to be.

If having sex is the best thing in the world (which it is) then the next best thing (when you are 23 and single) is listening to a bunch girls talking about having sex.


After 'having sex'
The next best thing is listening
to girls talking sex

James said...

Referencing Byron's Don Juan (pronounced Jew-un, of course). Nice.

James said...

Oh, and the way I talked about the girls talking about sex made it seem quite desirable. But if you were here, trust me -- it wasn't. I'm not going to get into here, but you probably can imagine the situations that could cause that. Get me?

barista brat said...

i'm late on the ball,
but your hipster haiku made me laugh so hard.

ever think of making hipster greeting cards?

Harry the Hire said...

Hey yeH

Jew-an of course.

No! No! I don't get it. Honestly. I think what is required is a full post explaining, verbatim, everthing that was said in that conversation!

Everything everything.

I don't get out much

Anonymous said...

random asian kid
wandering through the airport
look! it's an orphan!

Benny said...

Jimby, don't get eaten by the earthquakes, please.

I'd miss you and your dirty poetry.



James said...

Brat, that's a fantastic idea. How would I go about that?

Light, the girl who was so loose-lipped about her sexual activity was terribly unattractive. And mean. And bitchy. And intolerant. And judgmental...

Sambot, I like!

B, thanks for the concern. Crossing my fingers for an earthquake-free last month.

Harry the Hire said...

Ah, now I see your point. I just got an awful shiver of dread down my spine. sorry dude.

Anonymous said...

quite a dapper guy
pink shirt with barry white pic
orphan ladykiller, word.

is it spiky yet?
all hip asian dudes must have
hot and messed up hair.

moving to new york
just to hang with sambot, right?
shit! she lives in mass!

Anonymous said...

ACK. nix the orphan in that first haiku.