Tuesday, August 16
Hallmark: When you want to send something that sucks
It's graduation time and I've been receiving cash, checks, good gifts, and not-so-good gifts--all of which demand the ubiquitous thank you cards. So I went to Hallmark the other day and this is some of what I found:
1) A card with flowers pictured on the front that inside read "Thanks a bunch".
2) Another with two coffee cups dancing that had the message of "Thanks a Latte" inside.
3) A bunch of other crap that was too fetid to mention.
Well if I fail as a writer, decide not to become a professor, and ignore my father's wishes for me to enter law school, I think I'll go into the greeting card writing business. It seems that even the worst writers in the world can find some sort of employment there.
Here's the idea for my first card. It will have a plain, empty white space on the front, and inside say "Thanks for nothing." Underneath that will be an additional message several lines down. There will be two different editions of this message printed, depending on the level of cynicism of the sender. The first one will be the glass is half-full edition, and it will say a couple lines down "Just kidding!" The second one will be the fuck-the-world edition, and it will say "Seriously. You suck. Why aren't you dead yet?"
at 4:58 PM