Saturday, May 27

My job as a writer of ha-has

Recently I've gotten myself involved in writing content for two internet start-ups, which is to say I've been wasting my time trying to be funny in the hopes of it one day paying off. That said, however, it's been pretty fun. Whether or not it goes anywhere, time will tell, but hey, it's resume/portfolio fodder at least, right?

I found the projects off Craigslist--where else? The first one is for SF My Open Bar. It's a website that is essentially a blog/newsletter that finds free to dirt cheap drinking opportunities around the city. The SF site isn't live yet, but there are affiliates in NY and LA that are already off the ground. There are vague promises of riches in the future ("We can't afford compensation right now, but..."), but if this does work out, this would the ideal "day" job for a writer, in the most lush and Hemingwayian sense of the word. Free beer--check. Dive bar--check. Moleskine and a look of artistic detachment--working on it.

The second is for a yet-to-be-named/yet-to-launched site where I'd basically be writing creative content to be made into online videos, similar in style to The Daily Show or Talk Soup or the late night TV monologues. This is also pro bono as well, but it seems like they've got some pretty decent groundwork laid out and I'm hoping that maybe it will take off.

It's not John Warner and Kevin Guilfoile's Bombing with Jai Al Leno, but hey it's a start. Here's a sample of some of what I've written up:

President Bush earlier this week, in a rare admission of a personal mistake, said he regretted challenging insurgents in Iraq to "bring it on" in 2003, and said the same about his statement that he wanted Osama bin Laden "dead or alive."

In an even rarer admission of a personal mistake followed by further admissions of personal mistakes, the President then expressed his sadness over previous requests for Islamic terrorists to “come and get it”, to “give us your best shot”, and to “talk to the hand”, adding that he didn’t really mean it when he earlier asked, rhetorically, “is that all you got?”


In other national news, overpopulation of elk in Rocky Mountain State Park has led the park to consider hiring sharpshooters to help thin out the park’s herd. This is great news for sharpshooters, many of whom had been forced to earn wages doing things they “didn’t go to school for.”

However, as can be expected whenever the capping of cute, furry animals is involved, there has been public outcry. One potential alternative suggested would be the introduction of an elk contraception program. Certain fertility-inhibiting drugs would be fed to the elk. In addition, really gross close-up slides of venereal disease would be shown, along with a Virginity Pledge signing and a talk explaining that withdrawal was not an acceptable method of birth-control, and that the only way to truly be sure she won’t get pregnant is to put it in the butt.


In science and technology, scientists are reportedly closer to creating an invisibility cloaking device. No word yet on how the time machine is coming along.


In global news, scientists have recently confirmed the origin of HIV can be traced back to wild chimpanzees, in a corner of the African country Cameroon. In order to solve the mystery, scientists employed trackers to collect fresh feces from the apes, more than 1,300 samples in all. I’ll avoid any jokes about this being a “shitty” job—[dumb laugh followed by brief awkward pause]—to get straight to the question that’s on everyone’s minds: so who exactly was having sex with a monkey?


Benny said...

Sti-tches, Jimby. My sides.



James said...

Heh--thanks, Benny.

Did you hear the one about Michael Jackson visiting the Tokyo Orphanage?

Harry the Hire said...

I think you should pretend you live in L.A. and apply for that job I sent you.

I'll be your Antipodean-Polish agent.

James said...

But what if I have to pick up my checks in person? And how will I be able to satisfy the female fans that will inevitably be drawn to the me once the show starts? Antipodean-Polish superagent away that problem.

Harry the Hire said...

you tell the producers that you have a severe motor-neuron disease that leaves you unable to speak or wipe your own bottom - you dictate your jokes by blinking one eye in a kind of morse code that is taken down by your mother.

Once that story gets around, you won't have to worry about the female fans.

Benny said...

I'm not so sure about ditching the chicks that way. The whole Blink One Eye Poetry thing is romantic, and it's being turned into a Schnabel film.

Harry the Hire said...

Well at least there shouldn't be any broken plates, which is more than I can say for Schnabel's art.

As an artist Schnabel makes a great film maker, and as a filmmaker he is a great artist. But when he's just an artist making paintings... boy.

Here's what Robert Hughes says: "Schnabel's work is to painting what Stallone's is to acting - a lurching display of oily pectorals."

Ooooh Schnabel, I think I'll have to write an entry about him now.

James said...

You guys know the girls be loving my Blink One Eye=I Love You, Blink Two Eyes=You Complete Me, Blink Both Eyes Simultaneously Three Times=Give Me A Handjob communication skillz. That's right -- skillz.

Harry the Hire said...

sorry James, as your Antipodean-Polish agent I feel it is my duty inform you, in acordance with the above instructions - you've only got the one functional eye.

jenneral said...

James, why would you ask for a handjob when you could ask for a blowjob? Your new drooling, stay-at-home persona might as well ask for the 5k sexual favor instead of the $2! You've got pity on your side!

Your news snippets are funnay! Really, I think you've found your calling. :D