Thursday, February 16

What VD (Valentine's Day) Means to Me

So yeah, my Valentine's Day had some ups and downs, just like another day. Some of the ups included:

-Going to the free Jonathan Ames reading (he's very entertaining and charming)

-Having an interesting discussion on political correctness with random older gentleman after the reading

-Hanging out with my buddy Josh and his friends at a dinner party in the East Bay

-While there eating the best raspberry dessert pastry I think I've ever had

-Finding out it was vegan

(Not that I don't eat meat or dairy or fish--I just thought it was kind of cool to discover good things can be good for you.)

-Getting a BJ in the shadows of dumpster behind the BART station

(OK, that didn't really happen. It was just a handy.)

Anyway what I'm saying is that Valentine's Night was pretty good. Valentine's Day however was a different story.

This is what the afternoon was like:



The blue monster-looking guy represents the world. The fucking loser that he's flicking off represents me.

Let me explain with a little bit of background first. You see, gentle reader, some days--OK, most days--I’m entirely oblivious to the world, completely immersed in my thoughts. And others I’m like a human camcorder--perhaps “spy-cam” would be more appropriate. Anyways yesterday was one of the latter and on my bus ride back from my job interview at Wells-Fargo that red light was flashing the entire time. My luck that it was The Day of Romance or something and couples everywhere across the universe were eating each others' faces out--particularly the ones in San Francisco along my busride home.

The first couple consisted of a guy dressed in pants tighter than most women’s cuts and a girl who looked like a famous indie rock singer. The guy had perfectly tossled hair, a cool leather jacket, and stylish sunglasses that he kept on for the entire ride.

Needless to say, I couldn’t fucking stand him.

Maybe it’s because while I’m kind of vain, I’m also mostly honest, and he was probably better good-looking than me. Ever since some truly awful pictures leaked out onto the internet, I’ve become keenly aware of my sometimes possession of a double chin, and because of that, have become self-conscious of it. Of course, this sunglassed bastard’s jawline was disgustingly fat-free. And it didn't help that he was kissing a girl who was an obscure celebrity-lookalike. I don’t know if my envy was visible, but maybe it was because they had the audacity to look back at me looking at them.

They got off at 33rd and we arrived at our final stop, 48th Avenue, without a hitch. From there my flat is a five block walk. However, twenty steps or so into the final leg of this journey, I came upon yet another twenty-something couple, who were, as it was, making out against the door of a new red Jetta.

The way I figure it, when you walk by someone, you are within each other’s view for at least thirty seconds or so. If someone was making out when they first came into your line of sight, surely they'd stop, or at least come up for air, sometime before you passed, right?

Wrong. Not these fuckers. Thirty seconds of continuous tongues down throats.

I stared menacingly at them, hoping one of them would notice my disapproval, but they were entirely oblivious to my telepathic malice. And suddenly the whole thing made me feel so angry that I wanted to break something. I looked around for something to throw through his windshield. A rock, a brick, a small child. But of course none of the above were to be found.

I was disappointed, but in a way, not having something to throw was actually better than there having one. Had I found something I would have then been faced with a moment of decision that, of course, would have resulted in me walking on flustered, impotent, and spiteful--as opposed to walking on feeling flustered, unimpotent (potent?), and spiteful.

Potency is a valuable thing, whatever that means.

24 comments:

Robb said...

This post had a decidedly American Psycho feel to it. You could have described what they were wearing using more brand names though. But the way you described the act of their actually looking at you on the bus as audatious and the description of your rage at the Jetta couple. Add a sentence like "Thinking about what I would do to them with my high powered Craftsman 18 inch chain saw that I bought at Sears made me feel better and then I remembered that I forgot to return the videos I rented to the store." and then it would be perfect

James said...

lol, Thanks, Robb--I think. I particularly liked how you said that I "could have described what they were wearing using more brand names though." That was funny.

The American Psycho feel you were talking about, however, wasn't intentional because I've never read the book. The movie and the spoof on YPR of it, yes, but never the book. I probably should sometime though. How do you like it?

And no, I still haven't gotten to your piece yet. But soon, promise.

Robb said...

Just to quell any confusion about James getting to my "piece", he is refering to a WRITING piece that he's reading for me. He hasn't gone after my other "piece" in years.
I'm really enjoying American Psycho. A whole lot. But it is the WORST book to tell people that you are reading and really enjoying. The best case scenario, believe it or not, is if they know the book and just look at you strangely. The alternative, and worst case, is that they haven't heard of it and you have to EXPLAIN it to them and then tell them that you are enjoying it.

Benny said...

All this linking of J. to American Psycho creeps me out!

My Valentine's Day was uneventful. I had phone sex with my boyfriend and then watched the end of the Magic/Heat game with my mother. And then I went to bed because I get up at 2:30 in the morning.

Obviously, my tongue was in my mouth the whole day/night.

By the way, J-by: double chin or no, you're still cute, so get over it, or get out of the closet! ;-)

xo,

Benny

Trevor said...

Something tells me AP won't be on Oprah's book-club list anytime soon...

Anyway, I still have that smug-ass photo of myself from last summer as the only verification of my actual appearance online...and trust me, I look like I'm in the act of swallowing a baby for some reason.

Man, I hate that photo...

Anywho...?

Dan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
James said...

I'm on the clock, so I'll be brief in my responses:

Robb: Ha.

B: Thanks.

Trev: Indeed.

I'm a good employee.

Anonymous said...

For lack of a better medium to inform you of my news (I decided not to use the phone anymore/ lost your phone number)... I'm coming to visit you. Granted it is by car and so I will not be in California until at least the middle/end of April, but you may need this much of a heads up to get ready. That is all.
~Alden

James said...

Alden, color me excited.

But in exchange for room and board you must do one thing:

Bring my Jesus' Son.

And your red-headed beautiful wonderfulness.

That is all.

Benny said...

Jimby,

On behalf of your poor friend Alden, it's a freaking pocket-sized paperback that costs, like, $5.95 at your corner mega-bookseller. Why not color everyone excited and NOT BE SO STINGY???

xo,

Benny (who's MAKING it her business)

James said...

There is marginalia in that book, Benny, that cannot be replaced for a mere $5.95--or for any price, for that matter.

Benny said...

What? Love notes? Marginalia is replicable. You read the same stories and have the same impressions.

Actually, I'm talking out my arse.

;-)

Benny

Benny said...

What? Love notes? Marginalia is replicable. You read the same stories and have the same impressions.

Actually, I'm talking out my arse.

;-)

Benny

James said...

Yeah you are.

Yeah you are.

Anonymous said...

James, I regret to inform you that your copy of Jesus' Son was actually stolen, taken on a road trip, taken over seas, returned and placed directly into the hands of someone that I may or may not see in the next three weeks. However, I am making it my personal mission to reclaim it now that I know that it is my one and only ticket back into your life (fighting my urge to keep (steal?) an inanimate object that has ironically beat me in life experience.). So actually Benny, although the "face" value may be $5.95, it's "emotional" value may now be well over $7.00 and we all know that James would never part with this exorbitant amount of money (cheap skate rat bastard)... I mean, do you know how many packs of Ramen noodles one can purchase from 7 whole dollars?
See you in April James, maybe I will have dug up a phone number by then since the address seems a bit superfluous by now (It wouldn't kill you to send an E-Mail once in a while... hook a sister up.)
~Alden
P.S. I appreciate the support Benny.

James said...

Noooo!!! Say it ain't so, Alden! I'm devastated--my copy of Jesus' Son was worth much more than $7. $12.95 at least. Add in the annotation of meticulous notes like "YES!" and "Good" and "Best. Sentence. Ever.", and you get a sentimental value that is off the chart.

What I'm saying is that that book was more than just a book.

It was a friend.

By the way, Alden, email's a two-way street. And I called you a little while ago, remember?

But it's all OK. I forgive you :P I'm preparing for your arrival. Starting now.

<3

James

Dan said...

I'm gonna go ahead and reference Hitler and NAZI Germany so as to officially end the off-topic comments.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

James said...

Thanks Dan.

Benny said...

Well.

Well.

You're welcome, Alden. Seven dollars is a lot of money to some people around here, I guess.

I hate it when people say "Hitler was a vegetarian!" I'm like, "So the fuck what? What's your point? That vegetarians kill by the millions?" It's always some cranky bastard Wal-Mart shopper in suspenders and scuffed CAT boots.

Besides, I eat fish.

James said...

Fishmonger!

jenneral said...

Oh James, James! Just because something is vegan doesn't make it good for you. It was probably loaded with sugar (plant product!) and you are going to get a quadrouple chin! <3

Damn this fucking blogger system that doesn't allow comment threads or notification.

Oh, and thanks for the link and description. Awww, am I really an indie rock fashionista to you? :P Oh, also, I don't think I am going to get around to writing a top 10 of 2005 for my blog, but I will be happy to give you my picks anytime.

James said...

Thanks for the clarification, Jenn. I'll make sure not to confuse vegan and healthy next time, and instead only confuse vegan with "hippie".

Yeah, the non comment thread thing on blogger sucks. However, it at least notifys me whenever there's a new comment. But I had to set it up that way.

I couldn't really think of anything better to describe you as. This will probably sound uncool, but I really like your description of how we know each other: "He was posturing, she was a bitch." I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Do give me some picks--so I can say "but what about..."

James said...

22 comments (now 23) from 6 different people, excluding myself.

You guys rock.

niki said...

i came to read this blog on VD hoping to hear about the wonderment of venerial diseases. to my disappointment, it was about the other VD; valentine's day. once again, thanks for reminding me of my extraordinary evening i spent at home w/ my gay cousin's cat, watching walker rerruns in italian and, later on, nursing a stomach ache after eating a cold hamburger leftover from lunch. needless to say, i am SORELY disappointed about this. haha get it?? thank you, i'll be here all week.